So, from out of my front door come two girls. I'm smoking on the cement front porch, and they come bubbling out the door smelling like tequila and melted candy. I don't know them, never saw them before, and they're stems, bit young even for a college town. They see me to their left and giggle, wobble, one grabs a handrail for balance.


Hi, they say.

—Hi.

Again, I don't know them, certain D or L don't either, and they've just spilled out my door at 7 pm on a Saturday like some surprise that came with the house—a leaking faucet, broken water heater.

One laughs, stumbles to her right toward the steps, and I tense up, expect to watch her fall sideways and bounce off the sidewalk. She plants her left foot and throws her arms out like she’s walking a tightrope, legs crossed like an ironing board.

I realize I’m doing nothing to help.

The girl not in the process of falling shakes her head and lets it hang loose, face toward the porch. You’re not Ted either, she tells me. She asks where I am hiding Ted.

I could have sworn I locked the back door. And if I did, I have no clue how they got in the house.

I tell them I don’t know Ted. I try to keep from laughing.

The one regains balance and stands straight, leaning her ass against the porch railing. When she does, a strap on her tank-top slips, rides down her bicep and her small left breast leaks out. I can feel my face tighten. My hands reach for my pockets, fingers grasping keys. I look to her friend, give a twitch and motion toward the nipple.

The girl looks to her side and groans, swipes a drunk hand up and cups her friend’s breast. Her face wrinkles like a pillow case.

“What, are you fuckin’ gay?” she demands.

She tells her exposed friend to get down the steps, and they stumble off, apparently disgusted.

The front door opens again, this time D poking his head out. He watches the girls until they disappear, turning down the next street.

“Who the hell is Ted?” he asks.

I say I have no idea.

“Well,” D says, “whoever he is, Ted’s a lucky fucker.”

I say nothing..